“My name is Gretel, and this is my brother, Hansel,” says Gretel (Gemma Arterton) to the villagers whose children have been taken by evil witches in the fantasy, action, horror film Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.
Ever since escaping the clutches of the old demonic witch in the gingerbread house 15 years ago, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel have become witch-hunting bounty hunters who seem immune to their dark magic and spells. They have the talent, strength, and weapons to kill any type of witch they confront.
However, this time the two siblings are going up against three witches led by the extremely powerful Muriel (Famke Janssen) who has been kidnapping children for some particular type of sacrifice for the ever-approaching Blood Moon.
Joined by their number one young fan and a beautiful young woman named Mina (Pihla Viitala) they saved from almost being burned at the stake for being mistaken to be a witch, Hansel, and Gretel set out to track down the witches’ hideout and save the children before it’s too late.
Dark, loud, and unoriginal, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters wants to be Van Helsing meets The Matrix and falls flat. This is an uninspired and uninteresting twist on the classic Grimm Brothers fairy tale told with terrible dialogue, chaotic and messy action scenes, and cheesy special effects. The giant who works for the three witches and starts to develop a crush on Gretel looks and sounds like a reject from the Harry Potter films.
Jeremy Renner’s performance is nothing more than a walk-through. He’s basically playing Hawkeye from the movie The Avengers, only this time he’s killing witches. Gemma Arterton looks lovely on screen but is an awful actress as she delivers her lines in a constant monotone, resulting in a dull and stale delivery.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is the first terrible film of 2013 and should be avoided even when it comes out on DVD and Blu-ray. In fact, it should just be burned at the stake.
GRADE: F
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters hits theaters on January 25, 2013 and is rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity, and language.
