Reviewed by Ian Forbes
I had every intention of writing a full length film review about Michael Bay’s third entry in the Robots Look Cooler in Slo-motion Saga, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. However, after sitting through all 2 hours and 37 minutes of it (with credits), I’ve decided that I’m not going to write a review at all.
Instead, consider this the beginning of a formal apology … to my brain.
I almost don’t know where to start. Saying “I’m Sorry” simply doesn’t cut it.
You facilitate my body’s movement. You process all the sights, sounds and textures of the world around me. You regulate my very breath.
And yet, I keep letting you down.
I bring you with me to every film I see. Sometimes, you get a lovely, intimate film like Beginners, an amazing spectacle like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, or even a simple popcorn flick like Super 8 that has some flaws but still qualifies as good entertainment.
Rather than learning from my mistakes (I even saw the Justin Bieber film), I’ve only added to your abuse in watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon, even after reading the YouTube comment by RazorheadX:
to all the people complaining that Megan Fox isn’t in the movie… who gives a crap?!?!!? This is NOT freakin’ “Megan Fox and some robots Part 3″! I honestly couldn’t care less that she’s gone. Yeah, she’s good looking, but I never saw the other movies cuz of her. OPTIMUS FREAKING PRIME BABY! Total nerdgasm. Call me a geek, I don’t care, I am. btw… this movie is going to be EPIC!!!”
I mean, THIS is the demographic? Some random fanboy (or girl … but I doubt it) angry at the notion of lamenting the replacement of one hot actress for some hot model, but still jacked up beyond belief for the follow-up to “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen?
I spared you the assault then, forcing its tremendous craptitude on another critic … only to succumb to some macabre curiosity when that “film” made it to the home market.
But still, knowing all this, I willingly went into that theater last night and awaited whatever Michael “I Only Shoot During the Golden Hour” Bay would sling at us.
What hurt you the most? Was it the new piece of eye candy, whose full lips and bright lipstick seems like the prototypical look for a clown hooker? She wasn’t that bad, was she? I mean, when she didn’t have dialogue?
You’re right, I’m sorry.
Was it Bay’s incessant use of slow motion? His inability to understand that less is more and cutting most of the needless technique could probably have brought the running time under 2 hours? Doesn’t slowing things down help to ramp up the “cool factor”?
You’re right, I’m sorry.
Maybe what hurt the most was the ridiculously lousy 3D? It should have been amazing – Michael Bay said it would be, even stating in letters to fans and projectionists that those who wanted the best experience should shell out those extra bucks (About.com). I even tried to help, removing my 3D glasses every so often … but when the whole screen goes blurry, putting those things back on at least made the picture somewhat clear … even if there still wasn’t any appreciable depth to be gained. Was that not enough?
You’re right again, and I’m sorry.
Wait a tick, I know what bothered you the most! Everything! From the new girl inexplicably attracted to Shia LaBeouf, to the slow motion, to the 3D, to the dialogue, to the new characters that added nothing of significance, all of it was terrible. Even Linkin Park have given up hope, writing the lyric, “Your insides crying, ‘Save me now'”, into their featured song – paralleling what many of us in the audience were going through.
Worse still, I subjected you to 157 minutes of tedious story development just so I could write a review that no one cared about because no matter how bad the reviews will be, there will still be throngs of people plunking down their money and rewarding the producers’ pockets for their investments.
For years, the state of summer blockbusters has continued to slide as consumers demand less and less for their money; and instead reward lazy writing, directing, and acting as long as the CGI is state of the art. This will probably hold true yet again, despite the overwhelmingly shared opinion that the last installment in the franchise sucked big, huge, metal balls (kind of like the ones dangling from Devastator in the film).
Brain, I really wish there was more I could do to apologize. I’d like to say I’ll stop going to films that have less than a snowball’s chance in Hell of being, at the very least, fun. But we both know that won’t happen. I’ll continue to see terrible films (probably sooner than later) and you’ll unfortunately keep having to process whatever floats up on the screen into words and thoughts for me to describe.
So while I’m very, very … very, very … very, very sorry that I have yet again submitted you to this kind of abuse, take some comfort in knowing that I’ll try to make it up to you. See what’s in my hand? Sure, it may look like orange juice, but thanks to you moving my body and distinguishing labels on those bottles on the top shelf, there’s more than meets the eye in there.
And soon … very soon … you’ll know that I’m truly sorry and want to make it up to you.
Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon hits theaters on June 29, 2011.
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