Scream Queens season two episode one kicks off with a flashback to a 1985 Halloween party at the Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Hospital. The staff is partying it up when a pregnant patient insists they check on her husband who has COPD and can’t breathe. Annoyed, a nurse goes in search of Dr. Mike (Jerry O’Connell) who’s dressed up as a green demon, complete with horns. The doctor doesn’t want to help and only reluctantly checks in on the patient. Promising to help him, they send the pregnant wife out of the room and then Dr. Mike and the nurse, hating the inconvenience and the time away from the party, decide to knock him out.
Wheeling him outside to a glowing swamp, they chat about the ‘Green Meanie’ monster that supposedly lived there years ago. Dr. Mike really wants to rock out to Sheena Easton, so he tosses the patient into the swamp to die. He also tosses in his costume, with the mask and cape landing on the patient’s body before it sinks.
Just as a reminder: Season one also began with a flashback, a party, a pregnant woman, and a murder.
And now it’s 2016 and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner) and Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos) walk the halls of a hospital, teaming up to take on a severe case of werewolf syndrome. (Get it? Lautner was a werewolf in Twilight and now he’s treating a werewolf in Scream Queens.) Dr. Holt strokes the patient’s arm and compliments her fur, Dr. Cascade gets all scientific, and Dr. Munsch pops in to introduce herself.
Dean Munsch isn’t really a doctor; she received Bill Cosby’s old honorary title. The she-wolf is the first and only patient at the new hospital – the C.U.R.E. (Caregivers United in Restorative Etiology) Institute Hospital – where the incurable are curable.
Cathy Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) does a voice-over to explain how she went from being the new face of feminism and the cover of Time magazine to running the C.U.R.E. Institute Hospital. She decided to dedicate herself to reforming health care and funded the hospital with the money she earned from her book sales.Meanwhile, the Chanels became a national sensation in prison after the Netflix documentary Entrap a Kappa Kappa: Murder on Sorority Row aired. The documentary included Denise Hemphill (Niecy Nash), now an FBI agent, revealing she has a VHS tape of Hester (Lea Michele) confessing to the murders. The Chanels were released and Dean Munsch forgot about all of them except for Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer). Zayday’s in her first year at med school when Munsch finds her and offers to pay for her schooling at the C.U.R.E. Institute.
Zayday’s teachers are the handsome duo of Dr. Holt and Dr. Cascade. Dr. Holt likes to cut people open without actually knowing what’s wrong with them, and he also likes to stare at his hands and cry. Dr. Cascade immediately tells Zayday he’s not interested in her, even though he’s female Viagra.
Zayday asks about Dr. Holt’s scar and he tells them he’s the first recipient of a complete hand transplant. He lost his hand in a Super Bowl party accident when he stuck his hand down the drain to get his Harvard ring and the garbage disposal came on. He used to be a surgical prodigy, but after the hand replacement, it was Dr. Munsch who gave him a chance when no one else would. As they’re leaving the room, Zayday discovers Dr. Cascade is cold to the touch. He says he “runs cold” and Zayday corrects him to say he feels like a block of ice. “I envy ice. At least if you give it warmth, it melts,” replies Dr. Cascade. (Is he a vampire?)
Chamberlain Jackson the candy stripper tries to cheer up the she-wolf but it doesn’t work. She wants to leave, but Zayday promises they’ll have a cure in one week.
Zayday meets with Dr. Munsch to find out why she’s the only female doctor at the hospital, and Munsch says feminism is boring. Zayday asks for more ladies at the hospital and Dr. Munsch agrees. It’s time for the Chanels to finally show their faces.
Chanel Oberlin/Chanel #1 (Emma Roberts) wakes up and greets Sadie Swenson/Chanel #3 (Billie Lourd) and Libby Putney/Chanel #5 (Abigail Breslin) with, “Good morning, idiot hookers.” The Chanels may be free but they’re pariahs and ostracized, even disowned by their families.
Despite being disliked, they went back to college and obtained (worthless) degrees in communication. They decided to give back by getting jobs, all having something to do with the medical or dental field. Chanel #1 even turned out to be really good at poking people to draw blood. Still mourning the loss of their previous lives, Dean Munsch shows up to ask them to come work at her hospital. Chanel #1 thinks that offer is insane but Dr./Dean Munsch believes they have a lot to offer.
Back at the hospital, Zayday seems a bit freaked out in the laundry room when she hears noises. To her horror/delight, it’s the Chanels.
The action moves to the locker room where Chanel #1 is complaining about disposable scrubs. Suddenly a shower curtain opens exposing Dr. Holt. Instantaneous jaw-dropping occurs as Dr. Holt rinses off, and Chanel #1 strips down to her undies while Dr. Munsch introduces them as her new med students.
After he leaves, Dr. Munsch says they’ll be following Dr. Holt and Dr. Cascade around, observing silently. She calls it ghosting and Chanel #3 tells her ghosting is leaving a party without saying goodbye. Chanel #5 goes off on a rather lengthy explanation of ghosting that has to do with a guy finding out what you look like and not texting back. Chanel #1 believes ghosting is going #2 and looking down at the paper and nothing’s there.
Zayday, the doctors, and the Chanels visit the she-wolf (Cecily Strong) and Zayday tells her they’ve figured out how to cure her. It involves drilling a hole into her skull. Dr. Holt says the procedure is invasive, but it could be her only hope.
Chanel #5 thinks the nurses in white are ghosts, but Chanel #1 explains they’re just nurses which means they’re actually their servants. And now we get our first look at Kirstie Alley as the C.U.R.E. Institute’s Head of Administration. She runs the hospital and has no idea why the Chanels are there since they are not in the least bit qualified. She isn’t going to be taking any Chanel backtalk, telling Chanel #1 she’ll eat her for lunch if she attempts to mess with her.
The Chanels are called into Dr. Munsch’s office where Zayday yells at them for humiliating the she-wolf. Chanel #1 tells her she’s exaggerating and Dr. Munsch puts them on academic probation. And then Chanel #1 gets the devastating news they’re not being paid because they are not doctors! The Chanels scream in unison.
Up in their room, Chanel #1 is pissed off she’ll never be a news anchor but then she stumbles upon the idea they can all become special medical correspondents for Fox News. They can have their own TV show like Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz, but that means they have to actually get their medical degrees. Chanel #1 thinks the path to getting back in Dr. Munsch’s good graces is to find a cure for she-wolf (aka werewolf girl) before Zayday and the other doctors do.
Taking a break from their all-nighter studying, Chanel #1 finds Dr. Holt and they discuss their hairy patient. Chanel #1 leans in while flirting and Dr. Holt’s replacement hand creeps up to her neck. He stops it before it can strangle her and also figures out at the same time that it’s all about testosterone. They barge into the operating room, stop Zayday and Dr. Cascade from performing surgery, and Dr. Holt says they have to put her on a soy-based diet to cure her werewolf condition. It’ll cause hair loss and her boobs will get bigger. Dr. Holt and Chanel #1 have saved the day and Zayday isn’t happy.
The Chanels are now ruling the hospital hallways in pink outfits and high heels. They check on werewolf girl and she’s completely hairless now and not happy about being bald. Chanel #1 suggests one more procedure: a makeover. She looks amazing and is going to take her first Tinder profile picture. Awww. Dr. Munsch is super impressed with the Chanels who now believe that through the power of the internet, anyone can be a doctor.
The episode ends with Chanel #1 heading out on a date with Dr. Holt, Chanel #3 going out with Dr. Cascade, and Chanel #5 working a 6-hour shift that includes helping the now-hairless werewolf girl take a hydro bath. Chanel #5 also needs one, and they both wind up locked in the bathtubs.
But, no worries, Chanel #5 has told the candy stripper to come get them in one hour. Instead, it’s the Green Meanie, wielding a machete and dripping fluorescent swamp water. He/she dances around outside the curtain before terrorizing the women. He slices off the werewolf lady’s head and raises the knife again. The episode ends with Chanel #5 screaming.
Scream Queens is back and episode one titled ‘Scream Again’ laid out the basics including the reasons behind the Chanels being released from prison and why they’re now studying to be doctors. The first episode didn’t make much sense, and it appears Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, and Brad Falchuk have opted to leave reality behind for wild, unbelievable storylines.
Season one had its toes dipped in reality for the most part, but season two’s first episode rarely flirted with the real world. ‘Scream Again’ wasn’t nearly as wickedly funny as season one’s first episode but, hopefully, season two will right itself quickly. An easy fix is to not relegate the Chanels to less than 30 minutes of screen time. Oh, and more Kirstie Alley would help, too. She’s far more interesting than either hunky doctor at this point.
GRADE: C
