Geoffrey Rush battles a sand worm from Dune, Brenton Thwaites does his best Hobbit impersonation, and Egyptian gods use light sabers to battle over the future of mankind in Gods of Egypt, quite possibly the silliest film to hit theaters in a decade. If you have fond memories of the original Clash of the Titans and have been longing for a film just like it – and you’re not picky about the quality of special effects – then Gods of Egypt is for you. For the remaining 99.99% of the population, Gods of Egypt should be a definite no-go.
The luckiest cast member in Gods of Egypt is Bryan Brown who escapes from the screen after a mere five minutes. Brown plays Osiris, father to Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and brother of Set (Gerard Butler) – none of whom look anything alike, but that doesn’t matter. Set’s upset Horus will be taking over Osiris’ throne and so he kills his brother, plucks out Horus’ eyes, and crowns himself the ruler. The remainder of the film is all about Horus getting his eyeballs back so he can fly again and take on Set. The Hobbit Bek (Thwaites) takes a break from Middle Earth to help steal the eyeballs from Set’s “surprisingly simple yet no one else is willing to even try to break in” vault. From there, the action is centered around Set’s desire to completely screw over all humans (dead and undead) while Horus, who’s not actually the nicest chap himself, has to attempt to regain his strength in order to defeat Set.
There’s one ridiculous love story and one mildly amusing romance, but those are just background noise for the film’s action. Unfortunately, said action is utterly laughable and not even up to the standards of popular video games. I can’t recall a big-budget feature film that has more obvious shots of actors not actually hitting each other during fight scenes. And when the action turns to the CG creatures taking over for flesh and blood actors Butler and Coster-Waldau, it goes from ridiculous to unwatchable.
I joke about the Hobbit involvement but Thwaites’ Bek looks like one next to Set and Horus, and the comparison to Peter Jackson’s work on the Tolkien trilogy is impossible to ignore. However, unlike Jackson’s Hobbits, the size difference between Bek and his larger co-stars is constantly changing. (If you do watch this and I’m not recommending it, pay attention to how tall Bek is when he goes through tunnels/caves/anything with walls compared to how tall Horus is in the same situation.)
The dialogue is silly, the plot is overly complicated, and it’s impossible not to sit through this and wonder what happened from script to screen. Rufus Sewell and Chadwick Boseman show up in supporting roles, adding to the confusion over what the actors saw in this project that made them sign on in the first place.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau trades in his missing hand as Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones for an eye patch and Gerard Butler is back in 300 beast mode as a very naughty god who pouts over not being the Chosen One, but neither can save this CG mess. Some films are so bad they’re good. Gods of Egypt isn’t one of those.
GRADE: F
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for fantasy violence and action, and some sexuality
Release Date: February 26, 2016
Running Time: 127 excruciatingly long minutes
Directed By: Alex Proyas
